Synopsis:Hidden in in the lush hills of Jackson County Tennessee is a Sasquatch with a couch for sale, and he wants a girlfriend. He thinks he found the perfect girl when he tricks a local young lady named Jill into meeting him. Unfortunately for Bigfoot, the mummy of an Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh says that Jill is his long lost queen. Who will get claim her love as his own? Who’s the better man-like thing? Why the hell hasn’t anyone asked Jill what she thinks about all this crap? What is this, the 1950’s? And why the hell is the CIA involved?
Advance Praise:
"Aaron's plot has plenty to keep the reader interested, but the line of satirical commentary that infuses the narrative also offers a more intellectual, biting commentary on subjects such as small town law enforcement, governmental bureaucracy, the value of cats, and, of course, the monster porn genre itself." -J Carmack
"The Mummy Returns ... for Bigfoot's Sloppy Seconds is an hilarious parody of monster porn. I think Aaron successfully captured some of the idiosyncrasies you may find in a small Tennessee town (I'm from one). The heroine is delightfully dim yet likeable, and the well-defined monsters are gaggingly gross. Unless you're offended or uncomfortable with risque content, I bet you can't read this without laughing out loud! I hope the hoard of mummified cats appears in the sequel!" -L. Moribito
Excerpt:
"Pharaoh Hardon-Tapthat’s empty black eye sockets gazed over every supple curve of his reborn queen; such a beautiful young woman. She was just what he wanted, what he needed, what he was going to have. He had long been glorified for his divine ability to talk any woman out of her virtue. It was about all he did during his long reign as Pharaoh, and even though this girl didn’t look like virtue was a word she was all that familiar with, hanging from chains naked and drenched is sex sweat, there was no reason for him not to act like the suave and sophisticated king he was. He would woo her with poetry from an age centuries gone; words of beauty and lust so sweet and sensual that none who heard the words could remain unmoved. “Maaauuugghhhh…Eeenuuugh...”damn if he still couldn’t talk.
“Hey there, I’m sure you’re a nice guy and all, but I already kind of have a boyfriend, and he’s kind of a giant freak. I mean literally. A giant freak. And I think he might be the jealous type.” Still, the mummy shambled closer. His boney hands caressed her face. It was gentle, almost sweet seeming, but there was no missing the sheer lust and desire for conquest behind it. This guy was like most of the guys Jill dated, just another playa at heart. He could have taken her any time, but he was waiting for her to give in; more of an ego trip for him than real manners, but what the hell? Bigfoot had just left her hanging in every sense of the word. A good grudge fuck would teach him a lesson. And it wouldn’t be the first old guy she boned. Her freshman year of college was hard. “Give it to me, big boy. You won’t need any Viagra with this.” She said wrapping her legs around him.
Hardon-Tapthat dove in. Three thousand years was too long to go without sex, and he was finished, at the snap of the fingers. He barely pulled out in time to pop a pent up cloud of dust all over Jill’s abs.
“Oh my God. Seriously?”
The Pharaoh just shrugged his shoulders, and looked nervously around, he saw a shiny metal can like the one this girl drank from earlier. He picked it up and followed suit. Beer flavored water; this world was strange indeed. “Rarrgh.” He coughed. “I can now speak,” He said in a smooth, sensual voice. “I’m sorry. This has never happened to me before. You see, it’s been thousands of years since I last got any, and, well, you know. You’re just so hot.”
“I know.”
Hardon-Tapthat saw in Jill’s eyes that he was dangerously close to looking like a total fool. He had to do something. The truth, maybe? “What you don’t know is that you are my queen reborn, Queen Nippli-Titi, The Sand Clam. Through the sands of time, we have been reunited, and together we shall rule…”
Jill tuned out the mummy as he rambled on. It was really starting to feel like her first year of college now with her mind wandering as some old guy with erectile dysfunction droned on and on and on about stuff that happened a long time ago. The random thoughts rolled in. Does Maroon 5 have any tour dates in Tennessee this year? I’ll have to check that later. I hope those blue Sketchers are still at the E-Gyp X-Change. They look so comfortable. She spotted Bigfoot peeking out from the stack of pallets perv-watching the whole thing. That fucker was fapping to her getting nailed by this weird old guy, but he wasn’t completely into it. She knew the jealous look when she saw it, and now it was time to really drive him nuts. “Yeah, Pharaoh Baby. I’m whoever you want me to be. Give it to me again.”
Hardon-Tapthat didn’t need to be told twice. This time was different, he was more like his old self. Jill wrapped her legs around him and squeezed. “Oh, baby! Fuck yeah!” she laid it on thick. She saw that it was getting a rise out of Bigfoot, and clearly not the kind he wanted. The old mummy wasn’t too bad, but nowhere near as good as she pretended. He was the type who couldn’t see anything beyond the good time he was having. “You’re much better than that last hairy beast I fucked. Drive it deep,” she said checking her nails.
Bigfoot had been hoping for a good show, but instead learned the meaning of the old saying, careful what you wish for. This isn’t what he wanted to see, and his wiener agreed. He had gone from doing the old heave ho on the blue vein throbber to twirling the overcooked spaghetti noodle. A string of yeses burst forth from Jill. This was going to stop. Right now!
Author Interview:
What makes your book so different from all the books out there?
It's comedy, first and foremost. There are some sex scenes in it, but its more along the lines of American Pie instead of Basic Instinct. Other than that, it's a fun and well written little read. Though someone did point out that I wrote form instead of from in one part.
What was the hardest chapter (or part) to write and why?
The hardest part to write was when the mummy Hardon-Tapthat was trying to club Bigfoot in the head while being dragged through the wilderness. What happened was complex to describe, but also had to be done quick like so that it didn't screw with the pacing.
For those who might consider reading your book, what would you tell them to expect?
First of all it's a spoof of monster erotica, not a straight up piece of erotic fiction. The comedy is inline with what you would see on South Park, with a little bit of The Far Side and Monty Python peppered about. Then again, I could just be a delusional fucktard in love with my own shit. Please read it and let me know. :)
Is there a genre you could never write? Which and why?
Teen romance like Twilight. If you have to ask why, you're part of the problem. Seriously though, it is so far removed from my personal interest that I just know on an instinctive level that it would never work. And I'm too old for teen angst and drama.
Favorite quote from your book?
"He (Bigfoot) decided it was going to be fun to tickle her with a raccoon’s tail while he spanked the monkey, or more apt throttled the retarded gorilla."
Will you have a new book coming out soon? Can you tell us about it?
Yes. It's the sequel to this one. It's called Bigfoot and the Vampire Who Really Likes to Suck...But Won't Admit It.
How hard was it to come up with characters?
I don't find it hard at all. I've played tabletop roleplaying games for over two decades, and have always been good at coming up with characters. It's the same skill set sans dice.
What book would you like to read again?
Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.
Have you ever written anything else?
Yes. I have gotten a couple of horror short stories published under my real name (Kell Myers) and have written a roleplaying game system that focuses on story and character. I call it The Writer's System, and it's in the beta test phase right now.
Anything you want to say to your readers?
I would ask all five of them to rate it, and write an awesome review. Not just the two.
About the Dix Aaron:
I'm a comedy writer trying not to fall into utter ruin by hawking monster porn parodies for sale on the internet. I'm from Jackson County, Tennessee wherein lies the mythical city of Gainesboro; which also happens to be where the stories are set. The rest is just the usual boring stuff like the wife the kid and a gaggle of awesome dogs and lame cats.
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