Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Guest Post: Ladies, own your O

***For mature audiences only. Sexual and verbal inappropriateness may follow. AKA not for kiddies. FYI, these are just my opinions regardless of my profession in health care and are not meant to offend anyone. If you are offended easily, hit your back button.

 Ladies, own your O

First off, I would like to ask a question. How the fuck did women fall into this docile roll where all we want to do is say “yes dear” in order to make our partner happy in many facets of life, mainly the bedroom? I have had so many conversations with women over the years who think that sex is a way to please their partner, it is something that they do for them and rarely think of it in terms of contributing to their own happiness.  I believe many of us do it subconsciously because that is part of our instinct as the tasks and people before us take precedence. It is also more than likely that we, being givers by nature, don’t know how to ask for what we want or ask to try what we think we might want. Or, could it be that we don’t really know what we want in the bedroom so we simply don’t think to ask.  I’d like to also know when did we start letting stress and anxiety take precedence over our sexual happiness? Perhaps our lack of communication on the matter is to blame? We easily become so bogged down with life as we race through trying to manage all of the day to day drama, stressors and anxiety laden situations that we are the first to put ourselves last. It is time to stand up and fight for our orgasms; our health and sanity depend on it. Below, I’ve gone off on a few tangents as well as embedded my sense of humor and love of sex to hopefully inspire more women to own their O. There are many key factors that play into sexual health, here are three basics to start with that can be helpful when empowering oneself in the bedroom.


Many years ago, I was listening to a sex therapist on late night radio who was promoting giving teenage girls vibrators and books on masturbation for their sweet 16 on the premise that if we give our daughters the tools to make themselves feel good, then they won’t be dependent on boys to do it for them. Farfetched and outlandish? Perhaps, but very forward thinking as well. Boys masturbate, to the point where it is part of the social norm/ standard and everyone jokes it off with a “oh, you know boys” type of attitude.  The social acceptance of women masturbating is laden with guilt, shame through exclamations like “that’s the equivalent of cheating,” and other nonsense that pisses me off. It’s your body, masturbate if you want to. Men’s practice of such acts is widely accepted and voiced. Well, ours should be too. Exploring one’s self is a great way to learn what makes you tick- how much pressure or stimulation to apply to any number of areas at once to illicit the profound release called an orgasm. If we don’t know what makes us tick, how can we place the expectation on our partner to know? That is a lot of unjust pressure to place on someone. Sure, there are those who spend a lot of time between the sheets and build up quite a repertoire to please women, widely distributing first time orgasms to many, but we don’t need a partner to do that for us, we can do it ourselves. Sure, it is more fun with someone else, but we are not/ should not be dependent on others to make ourselves feel good. Experiencing/ showing your partner what you like and placing your trust in them as you engage in sexual acts deepens the experience. There within lies an important lesson of self-empowerment and taking control of one’s own life. Kind of goes hand in hand with the age old theory of “no one can make you happy but you” or “happiness is a state of mind that you control” so on and so forth.

Control and Communication:

Generally (I am speaking in generalities here), men have no problem taking control and dictating what we do or don’t do in the bedroom. They know what they like or what they are willing to experiment with and we are usually and honestly happy to oblige. Bend over, spread your legs, get the lube, I’ve always had a fantasy about or wanted to try… you get the point. Having a man or partner who takes the lead in the bedroom is not a bad thing; it can be quite an erotic touch when done right with respect and consideration. It is possible to guide your partner or express your needs and desires without removing them from a lead role if that is what is preferred.

 Let’s insert an erotic moment and lesson from BDSM (*Urban Dictionary defines as: An overlapping abbreviation of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM) here. For those of you who still don’t know what that is, google it. One of the things that I respect and admire most about BDSM relationships is the etiquette and communication, okay that’s two things. You absolutely, positively must communicate with your partner (or partners) what you like, what you don’t like, your fears, your fantasies and where your openness lies in the scheme of exploring your sexuality. This stimulates a very deep and intimate connection, as well as trust, between the consenting parties that allows for greater pleasure on both sides. As long as it is safe, sane and consensual between legal adults, who the fuck cares how kinky you get, we all have a little bit of it in us. Even some of the most “vanilla” lovers like a little ass grabbing/smacking and nipple sucking/nipping which does fall into a sensual pain category which is right up the BDSM spectrum, even if it is on the light side. See, more people than you know could fall into the kinky category. Anyhow, back on the taking control aspect. Ladies, life is short, and stressful. That will never change, only fluctuate the older we get. No matter how demure we are at times, or cautious of what our partners might think of us if we bring it up, we need to start trying to find ways to communicate on aspects of sex. Our sexual partners like it when we come; when their efforts lead to stimulating our orgasm it is a huge accomplishment. If a certain position doesn’t work for you or the way they are performing certain acts don’t quite hit the right spot, gently and lovingly guide your partner. They cannot read your mind, fortunately and unfortunately. If you need their mouth, hand, penis or any other body part more to the left, right, harder, deeper, faster, slower, softer and so forth, you have to tell them. If something hurts (I am talking about pain, not intended sensual pain) or doesn’t feel right or scares you, you have to tell your partner so adjustments can be made. If your sexual partner respects you and cares for you, they will happily oblige as that is part of building a healthy, consensual, safe and trust filled relationship that benefits both parties.


Reading erotica is a safe activity women retreat to as a way to get excited about sex and learn of new things they might like or grow to fantasize about. Not all of these things are desires we actually want to engage in, but we enjoy getting lost in the idea of them. It can very much be our platform of porn that gets us primed and in the mood. Sex, for us, is very mental as our emotions and constant thoughts inundate us. Men get urge and that’s that. We typically need a warm up to help get our head in the game and foreplay doesn’t have to be some arduous task to be wary of. Make it fun and explore new ways to keep the libido inspire. Read erotica, watch porn, practice some tantric yoga… whatever it takes. Even quickies or afternoon delights should be pleasurable for all involved. Explore ways to make it good for both of you. Sometimes it only takes a quick minute of hardcore kissing and groping to make us feel desired, primed and ready to do whatever. Not all sex sessions can be long, drawn out escapades leaving us deliciously sore and unable to walk straight for a few days. Life, work, kids, and responsibilities realistically don’t allow for that all of the time. Instead, try learning each other’s love language to keep the intimacy present and bubbling below the surface. Have an impromptu date, pick up a special dessert to share by candle light after the kids go to bed, leave a love note in the lunch box, make your partner coffee in the morning, pick up takeout so your partner doesn’t have to stress about dinner. It is little things like that that can make each other feel loved and appreciated amidst the crazy of day to day drama, which improves chances of both parties being in the mood when an opportunity finally presents itself. Men, doing the dishes, making dinner or scrubbing the bath for your partner without being asked is excellent foreplay when cohabitating. Just saying.


We all have many legitimate reasons, rational and excuses of why we put our sex lives and sexual health on the back burner. Sex reduces stress, anxiety and even depression in some cases. Scientists are constantly releasing studies on that. Being a mother, wife (yes, happily married and monogamous for over 12yrs, gasp!)  and registered nurse who educates patients on how to ease back into life with a variety of residual limitations that they may be left with, I understand many facets of sexuality and how it can be impacted. I was once told that sexuality is as versatile and colorful as there are people in the world, and I believe that wholeheartedly. People don’t fit into boxes; we have too many shades of gray for that. We live in a different world, one that is full of people learning to cope and live with more and more health and mental disorders, two parent working households and more and more stressors than our parents and grandparents didn’t have to worry about. Our sexuality has to evolve with the times and we need to take responsibility for our own sexual health. Take control of your orgasm, explore what you need to physically and mentally obtain it and openly communicate with your partner.

Kristina is the author of The Lunar Eclipse Series, which is available on Amazon here. You can also follow her on twitter, and visit her website

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